iron stomach america (delicious taco edition)

It has happened again. She left me alone.

This time, she left me with a refrigerator full of foodstuffs. How nice… except that I just looked up the definition of the word ‘foodstuffs’ and it includes the phrase ‘suitable for consumption as food’. Well that changes things, because what I really had was a cold box full of perishable goods in different stages of decomposition. Challenge accepted; I will not go out to eat till there I have eaten all the rotting food or had a severe case of projectile vomiting/diarrhea from trying to eat all the rotting food.

Sure there were a few things in there that hadn’t gone bad yet, mainly a lemon tart with a rosemary crust and some homemade pork sausage. Those would then have to be at the bottom of the list, they had the most life left in them. Giant bag of baby kale, you stinky sack of green and brown, you will be first. While it was hardly palatable in a salad environment, a solution was found. After a light saute in bacon grease the life had been restored (removed) from the little greens. Next, the tub of baby spinach; not quite as far gone, but still emanating an unpleasant odor. Simply cover with paper towel till all the moisture is sucked away, put in a salad, and make sure there is ample dressing for lubrication. The last bit I threw on some nachos (the dust pan of the culinary world). Worried that eating all this would make me sick, I took a prophylactic dose from the bloated jug of fermenting apple cider, mixed with enough rum and vanilla bourbon to maximize the antibacterial properties.

I had to throw out some aged cheddar that was green. Failure.

At this point I needed a break from consuming garbage. I had been given some homemade spicy pork sausage that I’d figured was destined for meatballs or pasta sauce. Well I wasn’t in the mood for meatballs or pasta sauce, I was in the mood for mexican food because I’m always in the mood for mexican food:

  • take one freezer bag of delicious pork sausage, add one can of chipotles in adobo sauce (chop the peppers up first, you nitwit)
  • let sit for 24 hours (in the refrigerator, you nincompoop)
  • fry up in a heavy pan
  • lightly toast corn tortillas over the stove top
  • add pork to tortilla and top with cilantro, onion, lime (the mexican holy trinity)

These were really good tacos if I do say so myself (I do). Could use some tweaking (a little pineapple wouldn’t hurt anyone), but I was surprised how easy it was to replicate some of my favorite taco flavors.

What needed to be consumed next? Milk? No, still had a couple days till expiration. What is this hiding in the back of the fridge? Eureka! Month old birthday cake! What a treat! Sure the top crust was dried out but the fix for that was just to start eating it from the bottom. This would go quite well with that giant box of wine I’ve been working on. About halfway though the edible portion of the cake I noticed a little cavern where a bubble had formed when the cake was cooking. In that little cavern was a winter wonderland of white mold, like a spider had been trapped in the middle of the cake and, in order to keep himself sane, dedicated his life to interior decorating.

Ok, that will do. Cake thrown out. Masochistic lesson in food waste mitigation over. I’m going out for dinner tomorrow.

2 Responses

  1. Oh Matthew. You need to try life without a fridge – eat what you can within 1-3 days for most perishables. Cheese lasts 1-2 weeks depending on hot or cold season.. but the rest of what you described 48 hrs or less – still potentially less dangerous than your adventure. When we made nachos at christmas last year and you made a dip out of greek dressing what spices etc.. did you add? Want to replicate this year as far as I can in south where there should be tortilla chips. Thanks 🙂

    • Bourbon says:

      I like the idea of being fridge-less in principle, but I’m not sure it would work well from a food waste perspective… especially given our American propensity to shop at warehouse clubs where only the elite paying members have the pleasure of purchasing a 20 pound bag of shredded cheddar.

      A dip I made a year ago you say… hmmm. If I had to guess (and I do), I’m guessing it may have included some or all of the following: salsa, fresh cilantro, cayenne, paprika, clasico seasoning. I’m not confident you’ll find clasico seasoning, but you could probably sub it out with lime juice.

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